Life as an expatriate: A third culture kid's perspective

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Life as an expatriate: A third culture kid's perspective

by Akli Hadid

December 18, 2008 -- Moving to a new country is often an enriching and valuable experience. Spending life abroad has its ups and downs, but will often prove being beneficial as a means of self discovery. However that does not go without its downside.

Having myself lived in seven different countries, it is surprising how little attention people give this exciting experience. However, if one looks into himself and sees what he can take from living abroad, one might find a lot of benefits. In a globalized world, a lot of people will be asked to move abroad, whether they really wanted it in the first place or not. Especially for those who experience moving overseas for the first time, a feeling of culture shock is almost inevitable.

Expat or immigrant?

Before discussing culture shock, I would like to give my brief opinion on one of the worlds perhaps greatest injustices. Throughout my many travels, I have noticed most people calling me a first or second generation immigrant. My American friends called Smith or Williams, sitting next to me, are called expats.

Over the years, I have noticed there is no big difference between the two groups. Except for their nationality of origin. People from third world countries will be called immigrants, from first world countries expats. The reasons mentioned are that immigrants never go back to their countries, and are economically better off in their adoptive land. Well, a lot of “immigrants” go back to their countries after retirement, and some “expats” stay in their adoptive country forever. A lot of immigrants would be better economically in their home countries, or at least have better jobs, and equivalent purchasing power. A lot of expats have lower purchasing power and would perhaps have a lower category of jobs in their home country. Well, in a globalized world, a stupid American is worth 10 skilled third world country workers and deserves a better appellation. Something I denounce.

Getting to the adoptive homeland

Living in a different environment often goes with a good impression upon arrival. That impression may last shorter for some people than for others. Just like that new book you buy at the library and are eager to read when you get home. To some, that good impression is accompanied with a feeling that it they will adapt in no time. Learning the first few phrases of the local language gives the impression of knowing and understanding half the language, knowing one manner feels like knowing all the culture, knowing one dish feels like having tasted the whole food.

Let me illustrate this. I met a lot of kids who would tell me they spoke the local language without giving it any effort. In most cases I took language classes in my adoptive homeland and people would tell me “all I did was speak to the local people”. Later, I realize the person is not really telling lies, just really thinks his 10 sentences (most of them incorrect) in the local languages gives him the right to proclaim he can speak the local language.

During that immersion phase, the impression is very positive. In Africa, the weather will always be great, the landscape amazing, the prices ridiculously cheap, the people warmhearted, the food delicious. In Europe, the cities will be beautiful, the cuisine refined, the people well organized, services quick and the city highly comfortable. And even when there are problems, they are surmountable. In Africa, it will be OK to, say, live without a single product we are familiar with, or to live without watching a television station in a language we understand. In Europe, people would be right to scold us if we are three minutes late, after all, we should all be on time when we have appointments. But these facts will soon annoy the expat.

I don’t feel home

The greatest difficulty living abroad for me is that no one cared about my international background, yet people don’t want to hear my opinion about local issues because I don’t have enough experience to give a clear founded opinion about them. In many ways they are right.

As for my international experience, I always thought it would be a decisive matter when it came to making a friend, getting a girlfriend, being accepted to a school or getting a job. The mere fact of having lived in seven countries should have done the trick. Well, surprisingly, people change the topic as soon as you mention how things work differently in your country or in a third country.

My potential employer never mentioned my international experience. During my final interview to get admission to grad school, the dean did not ask me a single question related to my foreign experienced, when ironically, I applied for an international politics major. And my friends change the topic as soon as they hear a sentence start with “when I was in…”. This complex problem was very frustrating to begin with. I kept wondering how people who watch and analyze international news religiously never think about asking, let that be listening to, the experience of an eyewitness. I guess I found the answer. People don’t always keep in mind that I have an international experience. And they really want to have the kind of two-way conversation where they have room for participating in the conversation.

The other difficulty is that after a few weeks or months, people often realize they don’t know as much about the local culture as they thought they knew. During the learning process, they will find it difficult to accept the fact that things are different. They will always think that it would have been more convenient if things were different, say something they would have adapted to more easily.

During my first few months in Korea, I found it difficult to accept that I had to conjugate my verbs differently when I was talking to a friend and when I was talking to a stranger. I wanted everyone to take me as a friend, and often invited people to speak to me the same way they would speak to a friend. The fact that people used the language form used when speaking to a stranger to me, even after having met several times, made me feel like I could not be trusted. But that’s just the way Korean culture is. In Turkey, one should always obey to what the elder says. Quite a few times, people would order me things like to wash the dishes, something I never did even in my own home. Refusing that order from elders made me lose quite a few friends.

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Language and relations

Perhaps even harder than the little interest people show in you and your experience as a foreigner, is not making oneself understood. And with that comes the issue of social relations. Having spent my whole life abroad, I was always encouraged to meet local people. Problem number one: the only thing I’m asked at first is my name (and sometimes my nationality). Problem number two: they often have conversations in their local language. Having attended international schools, I was surprised that my teachers or professors, once outside the classroom, would talk to my classmates in the local language. Even more surprising: the office of administrative affairs of the school operated, in most cases, in the local language, with staff with no knowledge of the schools official language.

Not being able to communicate freely and make friends often leads to the expat wanting to leave his adoptive country and go back to his native country. The process is frustrating, and after having once felt weeks away from mastering the language and understanding the culture perfectly, will realize learning the language is not such an easy process. Expats with children will also feel at distance with their children, who adapt better to the local culture. The feeling of not understanding their children may last forever. Not only will there be a generation gap, but also a cultural gap with their children. This is particularly serious with people from “conservative” cultures living in “liberal” cultures, say missionaries and their children.

These factors are often accompanied by a long period of depression for the expats. Making the kind of friends one could make at home is often impossible. That is followed with a feeling of being misunderstood. A lot of people (60% according to a study) reject their adoptive homeland’s culture completely and only stick to their local country’s people. Some (10%) will overcome culture shock so well they will feel their adoptive country is like their new home. Many (30%) will overcome culture shock but still have ups and downs.

A few tips with how to deal with culture shock

Having lived in seven different countries, I have a few tips that would ease the feeling of culture shock:

1 - Before moving to a new country, make sure you learn a little bit about the history, culture, language of the country. Checking a city map, a few restaurants, bars, and what is said about foreigners living there beforehand is also helpful.

2 - When you get to the country, balance time spent on the internet keeping in touch with friends and family and time spent meeting local friends.

3 - Make friends from the host country, and don’t hesitate to ask them (politely) about their culture and etiquette. A historical approach to those questions is always good.

4 - Avoid spending time complaining or criticizing local culture and trends with your fellow countrymen. That will only make you feel more depressed.

5 - Do your best to learn the local language. Language exchange and formal language classes are always helpful. Books which promise to teach you the language in a few hours are often not.

6 - Watch local television and check out local websites. You will learn a lot about the local culture.

7 - Try to find an equivalent to the thing you miss the most home. If it’s a dish, try tasting different dishes until you find one you find as delicious or even more delicious than the one back home.

8 - If you’re single, a local girlfriend will never harm you. International couples are often as much if not a lot more fun than couples from the same village.

9 - If something annoys you about the local culture, try to find an explanation. (Example: Koreans ask a lot of questions which would be considered personal in a lot of countries, i.e. how much money do you make, how old are you, what college did you graduate from. The reason all these questions are asked is that people often try to see what age and social class the person belongs to, to see what degree of friendship the two can have).

10 - Don’t forget that you can still stick to your principles. Saying “I’m sorry, but I can’t do this” will never hurt anyone. People will understand you.

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Life as an expatriate: A third culture kid's perspective:
Adaptation

December 26, 2008 -- In the previous article, I discussed culture shock and its main features. Culture shock may often lead to depression, but a few months down the road expats end up adopting to the local culture. Adaptation is where all the fun begins, and when people really start seeing the benefits of living in a foreign country.

Once expats overcome depression, they often adapt to the local customs and accept doing things the way they are done locally. This experience not only helps them become open minded but also helps them analyze their native culture better. This life lesson helps understand the essence of human beings in itself. Attending a local school or working at a local company broadens the perspective and helps people learn more about themselves.

Adaptation can also have awkward moments, feelings of taking a distance from their native culture, or feeling of not knowing where they really come from.

You are a foreigner

“You are a foreigner” is a word I might have to hear for the rest of my life. My parents are Algerian, I was born in New York, and attended French schools in Mozambique, Colombia, Turkey, Algeria, college in France and grad school in South Korea. I heard people tell me I was a foreigner in eight different languages.

Interestingly, I made huge efforts to learn the local language and customs. In doing that, some people would be amazed at the fact that I was able to follow the local culture (as I previously said 60% expats don’t), but most would be indifferent. No one ever thanked me for being polite enough not to pick up my chopsticks after an elder did so in Korea. And no one thanked me for not sending a bouquet containing 13 flowers in France. However, if I did, local people may feel like “he’s a foreigner, he’s learning”, but will often feel like “he can’t adapt to our local culture”.

That is something people who adopt the local culture often feel. They feel like it is a miracle that they were able to keep in mind the fact that they had to do things the local way, and yet local people think it’s part of the game, not an accomplishment in itself. Yet parents don’t congratulate their one year old baby every time he makes “pipi in the potty” either. Something for people who are adapting to the local culture to keep in mind.

Yet, when it comes to talking about local issues, foreigners opinions are often not welcome. As much as the expat will adapt, understand local politics, have the same worries as local people (which meet with worries foreigners have), his opinion or concerns are often not welcome. In France, it was impossible for me to discuss gas prices, inflation, difficulties finding a job after college, when I had as much expertise on the topic local people had. The most frustrating comment I would get when giving my opinion about local issues would be that of “how are things in the United States/Algeria” (often followed by people turning over to the person sitting next to them).

At that time, I intended to spend at least a few more years, if not the rest of my life in France. But I would hear people say “you are a foreigner” often followed by “when will you go back to your country”.

I’m now part of my adoptive country

Some people adopt partly the local culture and maintain some aspects of their birth culture while others adopt the local culture completely. Those who adopt the local culture feel at home, have few foreign friends, and when kids forget their native language, adults may stutter when using it. Those expats often lose touch with their home country, don’t contact their family frequently, and in some cases, start hating their original culture. I’ve discussed immigrants opposing immigration before in another article. Expats often adopt the same way of thinking as the local population.

A lot will convert to the local religion, some will adopt a name that is used in that country, read the newspapers, watch local television. They are very sensitive of being reminded about their origins, and deny having anything to do with their original culture. Yet as I argued before more than half the expats refuse to adapt to the local culture. That has to a certain extent harmed my reputation, and that of expats who wish to adopt the local culture.

I’m a big fan of espresso and will go to coffee shops at least once a day. “May I take your order” the part timer will ask me in English. “I would like a double espresso” will I answer in the local language. “Take out or carry out?” answers the part timer in English. It’s not his or her fault. Most expats don’t speak the local language, therefore fear a misunderstanding if they speak in their language. Being born in the US and of Algerian descent, of course the war in Iraq and terrorist attacks damaged my reputation. But the way expats act in my adoptive countries damaged it even more. In France, the words “you are not a Catholic, you don’t know what Christmas is” would hit me like a bullet on the front. Of course I celebrate Christmas, Buddha’s birthday and Pessach. Same goes with “Oh that’s right, I can’t offer you to have a beer during Ramadan” without even knowing what my religion is. I might as well be an atheist, a Jew, a Protestant, a Buddhist or a Confucianist. Well, I have nothing against observers of any religion, but I think it would be more polite if people asked me “would you like to grab a drink” and let me answer whether my religion allows me to drink or not.

The issue is so big, that expats around the world have created cities within cities, cities they feel more at home. Shops selling products from their country of origin, no displays that would offend those expats, and the local language is almost non-existent. I have nothing against such cities, but they do give locals the impression that expats can not integrate. In France, foreign populations are concentrated in what is called the banlieus, suburban areas where the local population does not want to live. French people blame them for not integrating, not speaking French fluently and properly, lack of education, inability to integrate the labor market. While doing an internship in France, I asked my boss if I had to come finish the work that was left during the weekend. The reason I asked him that is that he asked me to finish my work on Monday, and I thought I might have to go to work on Saturday. “This is not a Muslim country, people rest on Saturdays in this country”. Though people adapt, it is still very difficult for them to get the population to get rid of stereotypes. Very frustrating for those 40% expats who decide to adopt the local culture to a certain extent.

Adaptation meets the immigration office

Some countries welcome expats better than others. In Canada or Australia, obtaining citizenship only requires a few years of residence, and residence is very easy to obtain. That is if you are from certain countries. As much as expats can perfectly adapt to the local culture, they will be reminded around once a year that they are still an “alien”. Very offensive, given that they know almost as much as the local people about the country. That bureaucratic procedure, which is the same for all expats, can result in being very frustrating.

I know people who attended French/American schools their whole lives, were sometimes born in those countries (to diplomat parents therefore can not get automatic citizenship) and got deported to their parents’ country, a country they know nothing about. That might be an extreme case, but I am in favor of privileged conditions for those children. That would be if a child can speak the language of the country, studied the culture and can find his way through that country, he can only be beneficial to the country. I don’t understand why a kid who attended an American school, studied American history, the US metric system and so on would have to go through the same procedures as someone who doesn’t speak the language and might never speak the language of his potential host country.

Immigration offices should know that some people do their best to adapt. They sacrifice their culture to adopt their adoptive country’s culture. Officials should recognize that sacrifice and at least mention that some people deserve to be allowed to spend the rest of their lives in that country without having to visit the immigration office every year. But once again, politicians take that sacrifice for granted (just like a baby doing pipi in a potty) and still consider that expat an “alien”. For this particular reason, a lot of people realize their efforts for integration were vain and that in the end, the would be better off going back to their native homeland. Surprisingly, once back to their native country, they’re not in for an easy ride.