Funniest jokes ever !!

[BACK2MYROOTS]

HI EVERYBODY !

I'm always on the lookout for new lighthearted threads to cheer us up a bit and to balance out all the serious stuff on this forum.
What's better for this purpose than sharing your 'bestest' joke eh?!

However, there is often a very fine line between what's funny and what's offensive, vulgar, and downright unfunny in some way or other. Unfortunately, the very best jokes are often 'risque'. So, they may not be suitable for posting here, as we have many respectable users who might object to the stories. Well, I'm taking a small risk, by modern standards, and revealing to you one of my favourite jokes. I just hope it will make you laugh. If not, AL-KHIYAL knows what to do with trash (lol). Here it goes:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.
The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".
"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and ... for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

Isn't that good?!

PS: Anyone has a better joke?

[BACK2MYROOTS]

SHORTER JOKES ARE OFTEN BEST

Here are 5 of the best jokes aroud specially selected for you guys and gals. Please let's have some feedback!!

Pupil: Would you punish me for something I didn't do sir?
Teacher: No, of course not.
Pupil: Good, because I haven't done my homework!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a general store and picks up a can of fly spray. ''Is this good for wasps'', he asks.
''No, it kills them'', replies the store assistant.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''That's the ugliest baby I have ever seen!'' The woman takes her seat ,fuming with anger. She turns to an old lady sitting next to her and says,''That driver just insulted me!'' The old lady says to her, ''Go back and tell him off, I'll hold your monkey for you love!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Which day of the week fish hate?
Fri.....day.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
To show his girlfriend that he has guts... (Ouch!)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Any comments?

B2MR

[Al-khiyal]

Salam akhi,

A guide for anyone who wishes to share a joke or two:

We have members here of 14 years of age.

We don't want to post anything that would offend our sisters, our mothers, our grandmothers - or their male equivalents.

[mohovitch]

I liked the Fri.....day joke!

[amalgamate]

i didn't understand the hedgehog joke...

oh wait- EW! a thought came into mind- like if he got smushed? eeeww..

haha

[BACK2MYROOTS]

Here are three more very carefully selected jokes guaranteed to make you laugh (edited)


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
3 women stranded on a desert island. One of them is blonde. A genie appears and grants each of them one wish. The first woman says "I want a boat so I can go back to my country". So she gets a boat and off she rows home. The second says "I want a plane so I can fly back to my country", and off she flies home.The genie then realises that the blonde woman is crying. So he asks "what's the matter?" The blonde replies "I want my friends back"!! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Englishmen on a camping trip in the desert. It’s their first night in the desert. They are lying in their camp beds and looking up. One of them says, "Look at the stars , imagine the vastness of space and the millions of stars that we can see. What does that mean to you? The other man replies," Well it shows the insignificance of man and the power of the God who created the universe" ."No idiot”, retorts the first man,"It means our bloody tent has been stolen!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2 bedouins chilling out outside a posh cafe in Cairo. They're discussing the joys of travelling and the relativity of distances. Suddenly one of them ponders " I wonder which is nearer-London or the moon? As quick as a flash, his friend replies " Hello? You can see the moon !"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[BACK2MYROOTS]

More jokes but in French for a change !

[Al-khiyal, plz check last 5, bit naughty?]

(1) A la piscine, un nageur se fait enguirlander parce qu'il a fait pipi dans l'eau.
- Mais enfin, proteste-t-il, vous exagérez, je ne suis pas le seul à faire ça!
- Si, monsieur, du haut du plongeoir, vous êtes le seul!

(2) Une dame dit à un oculiste :
- Docteur, ma vue baisse.
- Ah ! Fais l'oculiste, et que faites-vous dans la vie ?
- Justement, je suis voyante.

(3) - J'ai aperçu ta copine l'autre jour, mais elle ne m'a pas vu !
- Je sais, elle me l'a dit.

(4) - Monsieur, savez-vous que votre chien aboie toute la nuit ?
- Oh, ça ne fait rien, il dort toute la journée !

(5) Deux dames ... papotent :
- Mes filles étudient le piano, ça me coûte cher !
Ah bon, les voisins ont porté plainte ?

(6) Deux puces sortent du cinéma, l'une dit à l'autre :
- On rentre à pied ou on prend un chien ?

(7) Deux vis parlent d'un tournevis :
- Oh celui-là, quel beau gosse !
Il nous a bien fait tourner la tête !

(8) Docteur, je ne suis pas malade.
- Ca tombe bien, je ne suis pas docteur !

(9) Une jeune fille se plaint à son amie :
- A tous nos rendez-vous, il m'offre des fleurs fanées.
- Eh bien, essaye d'arriver à l'heure ...

(10) Nicolas demande à un copain :
- Qu'est-ce que ça veut dire : I don't know ?
Et l'autre répond :
- Je ne sais pas !

(11) Lors d'un mariage, une fillette demande à sa mère :
- Maman, maman, pourquoi la madame ele est habillée tout en blanc ?
- Hé bien, c'est pour montrer qu'elle est heureuse, c'est une couleur qui annonce le bonheur, pour dire que son amour durera toujours.
- Ah oui? Mais pourquoi le monsieur est il tout en noir alors ?

(12) Un client revient chez le pharmacien :
- Votre dentifrice a un goût infecte.
- Et alors? De toute façon, vous le recrachez !

(13) Un gendarme fais stopper une automobiliste.
- Vous n'aviez pas vu le feu rouge ?
- Si, c'est vous que je n'avais pas vu !

(14) Une prostituée demande à une autre :
- Qu'est-ce que t'as demandé au père-noël ?
- Ben comme pour tout le monde... 300 euros !

(15) C'est la fesse gauche qui dit à la fesse droite : "ça sent mauvais dans le couloir !"

(16) Si parfois tu te sens petit, inutile, démoralisé ou dépressif n’oublie jamais que tu as été un jour le spermatozoïde le plus rapide de la bande…

(17) Un homme tend un verre d'aspirine à sa femme.
- Mais je n'ai pas la migraine
- Ah, alors on peut faire l'amour !

(18) Un ami dit à l'autre :
- J'ai bu trop de café, ce qui m'a fait pisser toute la journée.
- Je te le disais de boire le sans caféine.
- Je l'ai goûté ; je préfère pisser !