Is this the norm?

[madame]

My friend who I worked with in Egypt is Algerian and her husband is Egyptian. Her work contract ended so she is returning to Algeria. She said she has to go back to Algeria because her husband said it will be hard for her to find a job in Egypt. After her wedding party this week in Egypt, she has to go back to Algeria and won't return to Egypt until Jan 2011 for a few months then return to Algeria. My question is if she married an Egyptian man why can't she stay in Egypt with her husband? She also told me that her husband doesn't call her in Algeria because it costs too much, and told her not to call him so much. She even told me that he said he don't know if the marriage will work but he will try.

[Suki]

Madame,

They are newly wed and he is already telling her not to call him so much? That doesn't sound like a blinding, burning passion for his wife that will last many decades....that sounds like a marriage on the edge of destruction.

I don't know about that...but a husband in love with his wife treats her with enormous respect, and affection. He is worried about protecting her and providing for the wife and any children that might come from the union. And frankly, he will want to be with her most especially as a newly wed.

I have been married for 26 years and just today my husband went to the barber to get a haircut and his hair trimmed and wanted me to go with him. I said why? And his answer is "I just like being with you. Even if we don't talk much. I like knowing you are around." That is what a loving husband does. Not wanting his wife around is a bad sign.

Just my opinion.

Love is in details. Little details. Pequenos detalles.

*He likes to bring her her favorite fruit or snacks when he shops at the food store
*He likes to call her to ask her opinion on something small like what color of kitchen towels she likes or prefers.
* He calls her on the phone and asks about her day and how it went.
* He opens the door for her when he parks the car or opens the door for her to go first in a store or a public place
* He holds the jacket or coat open for her when she stands up and is ready to leave.
* He tells her how he is feeling without fear of sounding 'weak' or sad (he can be sad and glad, happy or in pain in front of her and doesn't fear her rejection).
* He seeks her advice on many matters and listens to her.
* He brings her flowers, and chocolates and little dolls ( I love dolls) on her special days, wedding anniversary, birthday, etc.
* He is unafraid to be highly passionate with her when he wants to be.

So many little details.

The best advice for women to keep a husband happy is this:
*RESPECT HIM and never speak badly of him in front of others and or family and friends. Men have fragile egos and they really really, LOVE for a wife to tell them how well they take care of the family.
* Never belittle his manhood. What is his manhood? His male dignity. His self respect. Have faith in the husband. If he loses a job or is laid off---SUPPORT him and tell him with confidence, "You will find other work. You are bright and skilled and you can do it." Build his confidence and make him feel important. I don't know how to emphasize this more!
* All marriages are partnerships. And sometimes partnerships are not completely 50%/50% they sometimes are different categories. For example my husband can cook well but he prefers MY cooking. He is slower than I am in the kitchen and not as creative of a cook. So I do most of the cooking. But he is better at yard work or other things. And so I let him do what he does better. It is a good trade.
*Be fair to him. Listen to him. Many women love to talk but not to listen. Men want to be listened to as well. Women want to be HEARD. While men want to find solutions to problems the wife mentions to them. And sometimes men don't understand that the woman doesn't want a solution to a problem. She wants her husband's attention and for him to just hear her. But I think we are wired differently.

* Respect his tastes and interests. I don't like watching basketball and boxing on television. It bores me. But he likes it. So, I do other things while he watches TV.

* He loves to go on walks and talks about future plans. I might have a different opinion but I listen and then tell him, " That is a great plan. But have you thought about some snags that might come up?"

* Support his dreams and aspirations for himself. Men really need their wives to understand their ambitions and dreams and to be able to support them in that.

Respect, trust, communication, affection, sharing, openess and PASSION too make a good marriage.

I am not a marriage counselor. Just a woman who has been married for 26 years and I think it is a great thing to be married to a good man. A man that is a gentleman and a fine caballero.

That other marriage Madame doesn't look good. It sounds like it might not make it past its newlywed stage. What was the motivation of the marriage? Do you know?

[madame]

Unfortunately, I was told that he married her because she worked at an oil & gas company, and that he needs someone to support him and take care of him. He thought she would stay in Egypt when he asked to marry her but her contract ended so she is back in Algeria. He told her there were no jobs in Egypt and she needed to follow her work. I discussed this with her, but she didn't want to hear it. He has been married twice before. Does he have to tell her if he takes another wife? I worry about her.

[Suki]

Unfortunately, I was told that he married her because she worked at an oil & gas company, and that he needs someone to support him and take care of him. He thought she would stay in Egypt when he asked to marry her but her contract ended so she is back in Algeria. He told her there were no jobs in Egypt and she needed to follow her work. I discussed this with her, but she didn't want to hear it. He has been married twice before. Does he have to tell her if he takes another wife? I worry about her.

Ooh, uh...I think his 'motivations' are highly suspicious. Any man in my book that wants his wife to support him and he lays back and just hangs around...is not that trustworthy Madame.

Some of my single women friends ask me for advice on trying to weed out the bad ones. I have a best friend that has men problems galore. But, it is her choice. She doesn't listen to the signs and she is not too discriminating which is bad. One has to be highly discriminating when choosing a husband or a wife. That is the only kind of discrimination I endorse.

I follow the baseball three strikes and you are out rule. Never pick men with one or two or all of the three strikes. The possibilities of the relationship surviving is almost nil if the man has any of these strikes against him:

STRIKE 1--Drug or alcohol addictions, gambling addictions, sex addict addictions, secretive double life addictions. Addiction is a huge strain on a relationship and the first casualty to go is HONESTY. Addicts lie all the time to cover up their addictions. They make your life a living hell if you are married to them.

STRIKE 2--Violence and disrespect and anger. Men who threaten you, stalk you, verbally humiliate you and use their hands or fists or any other object to do you bodily harm in any way....GET OUT! Fast. You will not be able to 'reform' that man. He will find a way of escalating the anger and BLAMING you for his lack of control. I once sat on a jury with an attempted murder charge against a man who committed such brutal crimes against his girlfriend it was ghastly, grisly and horrible! Her mistake? The first time he disrespected her and slapped her in the face was the day she had to CUT him out of there!

STRIKE 3---Moochers. Men who love to be lazy and want some Mother figure to pay all the bills and cook and clean and have sex with them and so on and never get a job or become responsible adult male husbands in the relationship. They want no commitments and no responsibilities and just want the woman to feed them, pay for their rent and utilities and just lay back and use her....for their own ends. These men never really grow up and become responsible. They just drift from woman to woman looking to live off the need women have of being loved by someone. It is pitiful. And most probably your friends' situation is the one I just described.

Women can't settle for these bad relationships. Any self respecting woman needs to avoid this in her search for a mate. Real love is about sacrifice, responsibility, and working together and respecting and trusting each other. But if the man doesn't have any of the three strikes and he has other problems then WORK on it. Together. Make it work. Love should not hurt. Love should not bring anxiety, pain and desperation. Love should be kind, and patient, and accepting, non-judgmental and good. But adult romantic relationships have BOUNDARIES and rules...and once there is no longer trust or respect involved...there is NOTHING to save. One must leave and move on.

But marriage requires effort and sacrifice and time and attention. It requires a lot. If it were easy there would not be so many divorces now would there?

Good luck to your friend Madame. I think she will be in for a rude awakening. And she should know that if she loves herself enough to not allow herself to be used by other people who have no real interest in sacrificing for her best interests. It is better to be 'sola que mal acompanada'. "Better to be alone rather than in bad company." And that is the truth Madame!

[madame]

You described her husband very well (moocher). I've talked with him before and asked him why u want to marry her and he said she was nice and that's it. It burns me up to think that because she has no job she can't live with him. Thank u so much for responding. All I can do is be there for her when she needs me. Thanks again.

[Suki]

Madame, because she doesn't have a job she can't live with him?

That marriage is going nowhere. Guaranteed. If I recalled all the times that my husband and I had problems with jobs and or finances or living arrangement issues, health issues, etc. etc. and we let that determine if we would support each other or not....the marriage would have died the FIRST year of our married life.

All the poop hit the fan the first year of my marriage. My mother in law died, my husband lost his job, he found out incredible stuff about his background. So many crisis that first year of marriage. If people get married thinking it is supposed to be smooth sailing...it won't ever survive.

Now? I could care less about money, jobs and property. All I want is for my husband to have good health, be happy and to protect him and care for him. My relationship with him I value above the jobs, the money, the property and all else. I would rather live in the streets with HIM--than live in a palace without him.

And if that is not how your friend feels and her husband feels about her...that marriage is going to crash and burn. When she lands from the crash I hope you love her and give your support. Good friend make a world of difference when people are hurting. They do!

Pleasure talking to you Madame.

[madame]

As far as I understood, she could stay in Egypt if her husband and her took the marriage contract to the Ministry of Justice for foreigners in Egypt and go to the Algerian Embassy in Egypt and give them the papers. He refuses to do that. So she has to return to Algeria. It is evident he dosen't want to support her. It seems that in order for her to stay in Egypt she has to be working. People has stated that he dosen't want kids but her husband can't tell her because he says that is her right. I don't want her to be hurt.