Lost love

[PirateSmile]

Hi, everyone

New to this site and seeking advice...

I'm an American woman who is very much in love with a man who is 1/2 Algerian and very connected to his heritage. We met 11 months ago while I was on a European business trip and **BOOM**!!! Unfortunately, circumstances have only allowed us one additional visit together; he expressed a desire to marry, and it really scared me. I wanted to stay with him then and there, but felt it was just too soon, and wanted to have several more visits so that we could be sure. I promised if it continued to work between us, I would be honored to marry him...and he could come to US to meet my parents.

We have continued to correspond via e-mail and occasional calls, but I think it's winding down for him. Maybe he met someone new and does not tell me, maybe he just got tired of waiting for me to come back.

In the meantime, I have committed to moving to Europe with my company for several months (I'd be closer to where he is), plus I'm working on learning the language.I've been working so hard towards getting back to him, but...now that the plans are becoming concrete, he is no longer interested.
I cannot terminate the deal with my company without bad consequences, so off I go to be alone in France.

I guess I'm just at the end of my rope and am just wondering if any of you might offer advice; our cultures are different than I had thought, but what we had in common is the desire for a simple, honest life together.

Maybe he "comes around", and maybe he doesn't. If he does am I crazy to take this chance on what I feel in my heart, my head, my whole body? Is a quick courtship based on instinct typical? Did I insult him? Maybe he's just a jerk and I should try to move on... is it just the nature of relationships between the sexes; how involved are the differences in tradition?

I thank you all for your consideration. I did try not to ramble, but it's hard to hold all this in. My American friends do not support the situation; they say I'm crazy and maybe I am.

Not sure if I need advice from Algeria.Net or from Dear Abby! I'm shy to post this, but here goes....

Sincerely yours,
PirateSmile

PS: I have not lost my sense of humor!

[amina_imen]

Have you tried discussing things with him?
Your questions like:
Isn't he interested anymore?
Did I insult him?
Has he met someone else?
What he thinks of culture differences? (although I don't think he had a problem with that suggesting marriage from the start)
Try to ask him these questions directly..there is nothing worse than remaining in the dark. You obviously got very much involved with the guy emotionally, therefore knowing the answers to these questions is vital.

Try and be open about everything so you know where you stand.
You said you were corresponding via email and phone calls, then there was a change from his side, ask him why? You think there might be someone else, well you have the right to know, so tell him you'd like to know.

Distance could've been the cause for the whole issue, and it might've been too much for him, so going to France should make things better. Is he religious by the way? Him asking you to marry could be because he is and doesn't want to play around but rather believes in marriage. It could also be that he has reached a certain age where he just wants to settle down and have a family with the right person, or it could be that he liked you so much.
So don't be scared, in our culture, it's not surprising the guy says that to you even on day one. Take it as a compliment . I understand you want to get to know him better but was the 11-months relationship enough to get to realize you two are compatible? I think it was in a way for you, you went and committed yourself to moving to France with you company, which I know is a hard step, learning the language on the other side also shows you are ready to do whatever it takes for the guy.

Try to be positive, and talk to him, do not attack him, just ask for clarifications.

If you tell him about all the things you did just to be in Europe, he'll definitely appreciate, and try not to show that you're scared of the idea of marriage, he might just think you're not serious about it all and just want a casual relationship and that he'd rather find somebody else ready to commit. So play it cool.

If he's not right for you, try to move on with your life, surely working for a few months in a foreign country is a great experience others would die to have, plus France is a lovely country, learning another language -I guess it's French- is obviously going to come in handy for your new job experience. Keep positive about everything.

I hope it all works out well for you, and get back if you have questions or need to talk

[Khokom]

Welcome to the board PirateSmile.

Our very own (relationships advisor) miss Amina_Imen has pretty much said everything in terms of advice.

Just wanted to add a point in general regarding something I noticed re-occuring over and over.

I am always hearing of situations where women tend to jump for the first guy they see intrested in them, and thats dangerous. Maybe because of their nature, emotional weakness or dependancy.

Many guys give out signals anyway, irresponsibly, maybe not genuine ones, but the thing is, from the part of the woman, she must remain very neutral emotionally. She should never let feelings be in control, because when she is neutral, she is stronger, wiser and she has nothing to fear.

I reckon the mind should firstly be comfortable, assessing the situation from all sides until everything is clear and genuine, then, ONLY then, the heart can be involved.

The woman needs to know where things are leading, analyse the situation. If things look vague, unclear, perhaps she shouldnt open up too soon, no rush.

However, its very difficult, like I said, the way women are naturally, they are vulnerable. I hope we all agree that women in general (not all) are emotional, heart usually does the thinking. But I would like to see that they become stronger, strong character and personality.

That was just my point, or what I've noticed.

Take care and all the best to PirateSmile, we hope she is always smiling

Khokom.

[PirateSmile]

Dear Amina_Imen and Khokom,

Just have a moment to write, but couldn't start my day without thanking you sincerely for your kind replies. I'll do my best to keep my cool and my emotions under control....not so easy but I'll try! : )

Once again, thank you
Bon WE
PirateSmile

[etoile]

gosh Khoukom!

Sorry to be a spanner in the works but please don't make generalisations about women and their emotions.
Many women may be emotional, many women may not (look at the iron lady!).
Have you ever stopped to think that your side of the population are not emotional enough?
Maybe if we all thought with the heart and not the mind we wouldn't be in so many damn wars all over the world and maybe we wouldn't be so lost in this superficial world of money money money.
Khoukom there is nothing wrong with emotion..it reminds us we are humans and very much alive.
I seem to see strength where you see weakness my brother!

Anyway sorry for hijacking your thread Pirate Smile!
I think Amina said everything perfectly so really I can only add my best wishes and good luck to you.
Whatever happens I hope you find your happiness

Peace xxx

[Abdu23]

Good luck PirateSmile, I am sure traveling aboard will only enrich your personality; keep smiling

Our very own (relationships advisor) miss Amina_Imen

She seems to have years of experience dealing with such issues
PS: No offence please

[annibal]

Helle PirateSmile

Aii yai...what a romantic story!! you cross whole the Atlantic for him, and he hide out....??

Am sorry for that, but am sure you should be pround about your strong believe in LOVE, just buy Mozart and listen it in Paris.

I hope you will find your Prince soon

Annibal