Why are men so scared of successful, attractive, single women?

[Al-khiyal]

October 22, 2007 -- They're attractive, single and have six-figure salaries - but men aren't interested. Here, three Alpha females ask: Why are men so scared of successful women?

They'd had a perfect evening. The wine and conversation had flowed easily and when Clare Connell gazed across the restaurant table at her new beau, a successful merchant banker, she couldn't help wondering if he might be the one.

"It was then that he dropped his calamitous bombshell," recalls Clare, 30, an ambitious and highly successful City management consultant who earns over £200,000 a year. "He said: 'I don't know why women bother having careers. My mother never worked.'

"And just like that, I realised that he was sadly like many other Alpha males I meet. He didn't want a partner who was his equal, he wanted a Beta female - someone who would pander to his ego and look up to him.

"In short, like many successful men, he didn't want a confident business person like himself, but a woman who will stay at home and wash his socks."

Needless to say, it sounded the death knell for that relationship. But it isn't the first time Clare, a beautiful Durham university graduate who also owns an investment property portfolio worth an estimated £2.5 million, has found her wealth and success standing in the way of a long-term relationship.

"If I met the right man, I would give up my job and stay at home to look after our children," says Clare, who lives in a three-bed flat in Chelsea, West London.

"But the problem is finding him. The type of traditional man I like - someone equally successful or more successful than me - often has a big ego to match and sees a woman like me as too much of a challenge.

"And then there's the fact that because I'm financially independent, I don't 'need' a man to look after me. It probably makes me very choosy."

Clare, who says she inherited her strong sense of business acumen from her father Roger - an entrepreneur who always encouraged her to strive for success - says men who are attracted to a successful woman can usually be divided into four categories.

"First, there are those who think I am high maintenance and are intimidated by my success.

"Then there are the gold diggers. These are men who've had a privileged upbringing but for some reason have fallen on hard times and are living in reduced circumstances.

"Ultimately they are looking for someone to support them. I don't mind paying for men, but the problem is it hurts their male pride and they don't actually like it.

"There are also the show-off types who think the way to impress me is to take me to an expensive restaurant.

"But what they don't realise is that because I can buy pretty much anything I want myself, material things do not impress me.

"In fact, a sense of humour and a man who can do practical things - such as DIY around the home - is far more attractive to me.

"Finally, there are the hot-shot lawyers and good-looking bankers, but ultimately these are the worst type of men. They often have the biggest egos and will ultimately settle for a woman happy to stay at home - a trophy wife."

Clare is not alone. According to Nicola Cairncross, a speaker on women's finance and author of the book The Money Gym: The Ultimate Wealth Workout, the more successful a woman becomes, the harder she will find it is to meet the right man; and, she warns, the more likely it is that any relationship will founder.

Ms Cairncross, who runs seminars aimed at helping successful women cope with their wealth, says: "Sadly, the clever, attractive Alpha woman who has set her sights on an Alpha man is likely to be very disappointed.

"Alpha men come home at night after a day of competing in the boardroom and the last thing they want is to compete with an assertive wife as well.

"He wants an easy life, someone to stroke his fevered brow, and that means marrying a feminine, girly Beta woman who doesn't have the masculine competitive traits of her Alpha sister.

"Successful women want everything just so and they have high aspirations, even in their relationships. But I have to tell them 'You simply cannot have it all,' and to expect that the higher they go, and the more they earn, the harder it may be to make a relationship work for them."

[Al-khiyal]

It's something company director Jacqui Partridge, 41, knows only too well. The former designer, who has a lifestyle many women would envy, says: "I would like to have children, but Mr Right has so far eluded me."

Eleven years ago Jacqui, who now earns in excess of £100,000 a year, was in a long-term relationship with Leo, a 36-year-old set designer. However, once she became such a high earner and her fledgling business took off, so did he, and she is now currently single.

"Leo and I were together and happy when I began my business, running it from a spare bedroom," she says, "but as I grew more successful my relationship began to break down, mostly because he ended up working for me. We'd argue because he resented the amount of time I spent focusing on my business."

Only recently Jacqui, managing director of upmarket Partridge Events, had the dubious honour of being dubbed "scary" by the man she was dating.

"We were sitting having dinner in a restaurant when he just came out with it," she says, slightly stunned. "He said I was 'scary'." But she wasn't that shocked. After all, it wasn't the first time a man has used such an adjective to describe her.

"The word 'intimidating' has also been mentioned a few times," she confesses. "But what do they expect? I have a thriving events business and I am confident and successful in what I do. And it certainly isn't a problem in my day job - after all, you have to be assertive and strong if you are running a company.

"This isn't a problem usually - it only seems to bother men. While initially they may be attracted to me because of my confidence, they don't like the fact I am so assertive. I think it makes them feel less manly and in control and then the relationship seems to go downhill."

Jacqui feels problems arise mostly because many men find it hard to keep up with her spending power.

"I never mention what I earn, but I do live a certain lifestyle. I don't have any children to spend my money on and I am a busy person," she explains, "so for example I never cook at home. I always eat out, whether it's a cafe or a restaurant.

"And the men I fall for are often younger than me - I find older men too stuffy and staid - but they are creative types who may only earn £25,000 to £30,000 a year. If you live my sort of life, that sum of money isn't going to go very far in London. Consequently, I end up footing the bill for every date.

"They then feel emasculated, like a kept man, and I feel resentful that I'm always paying."

Not telling men what she really earns and playing down what she does for a living is something that entrepreneur Lucy Gemmell regularly does.

Lucy, 42, whose catering firm Rhubarb Food Designs is set to turn over £10 million this year, says: "Telling a man I've just met that I employ 48 full-time staff, including my own board of directors, seems guaranteed to send him running in the opposite direction.

"Instead, when I meet a man at a party I simply say I run a catering business. It sounds less threatening."

Lucy, who has two children, Brooke, seven, and Oliver, six, had a happy marriage when she began her business making food ten years ago in her own kitchen.

But again, as with Jacqui, once she became more successful and financially independent, her marriage to Hunter, a 36-year old builder, got into trouble and two years ago they divorced. "I ended up supporting him," she says, "and it just didn't suit us. In the end it caused us to pull apart and not pull together.

"I am now at a crossroads in my life. I've got two beautiful children, a fantastic career and am financially independent. I would like to meet that someone special, but being successful seems to narrow the field of suitable men.

"This is because while I meet many eligible men - I might speak to up to 300 people at just one of my functions - I don't meet many men I'm attracted to who are also on the same level as myself.

"Those that are on my level - they are successful and confident in themselves - often turn out to want a woman to look after them or a trophy wife.

"And then there's the problem of time. When I do meet that special someone it's hard for them to accept they have to share you with your business - they don't want you doing long hours, leaving less attention for them. It makes any relationship even more difficult to maintain."

Nicola Cairncross of the Moneygym says as girls now regularly out-perform boys at school, university and now in the boardroom, this stand-off between the sexes looks set to continue.

But she believes if successful women want to have successful relationships, they need to look to themselves, and not the men, for the solution.

"Sadly, they have to accept their relationship breaking up may be the price they pay for becoming successful.

"Some 20 per cent of women who come to me for advice eventually end up leaving their long-term partner. They simply become financially independent and change - they grow out of him."

Nicola, herself a businesswoman who is divorced with two children, suggests Alpha woman will make a better pairing with a more passive Beta man who is happier to take a backseat role and who ultimately won't mind being financially supported by his partner.

She adds: "The other way is for successful women to consciously leave their masculine business traits - being domineering, assertive and aggressive - at the front door when they come in from work. Otherwise, they will simply push men away.

"For example, the only way my own relationship with my partner survives is because at home I become more feminine and girly. It isn't giving into men, it's adapting and compromising - which is required to make any relationship work."

It remains to be seen whether such a solution will be wholly palatable to many high-flying women who might see it as simply pandering to men's egos even more.

But if they don't learn to compromise a little, the price for focusing so heavily on their career may be higher than they ever imagined.

Why are men so scared of successful, attractive, single women?

[sania]

Men are scared of successful....man also!

[Cheba_Mami]

yes, indeed, they cannot compete, can they? Well at least some of them.

[amalgamate]

men should be happy to have a successful spouse. Good faith must supercede such jealousy or any feeling of intimidation the man might get in a relationship.

but y'all successful women out there shouldn't try to rub it in either. It doesn't suit you to be proud. stay humble infront of your spouse.

besides, in Islam we know that no one enters Heaven if he/she has even the slightest ounce of pride in him/herself.

[Bent_Bladi]

(i think you mean arrogance, not pride...)

and yeah - men shouldn't but unfortunately they do! especially the arab ones

the solution.... pretend you're an elementary school teacher who makes a killer gooseberry pie and loves to knit.... and you'll get a whole bunch. once you have them in your net -- reveal the awful truth and FORCE them to live with it.... MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!

[Ruks]

BB you might be joking but that isn't such a bad idea- to only tell them what they want to hear and tell them the rest after marriage! LOL. I got this friend who has been matching making for about 10 years now, she always advises the women and men, not too always reveal everthing at the first meeting - there is no need, if it precedes then introduce other things in the equation but not all upfront.

most women i know who are 'independent' and 'successful' are happy to give it all up for the right man, and settle down to have kids, but not before. and i think men sometimes miss this bit of the conversation or don't even bother to ask! although i think its a bit silly employing your man while you be manager to him! LOL, sometimes i think women and men tend to forget that the other's difference needs to be taken into consideration.