Abused & captured in a relationship...

[Cheba_Mami]

This is not about buying a book, this is about AWARENESS that you are a woman trapped into such a relationship. Actually i hope you are NOT but if even think you are then read this:

Living with an Alcoholic?
Overcome the love locking you in

Deal with the abuse

Are you living with an alcoholic? Chances are, if you're asking that question, you are. But did you know that for many alcoholics, the substance abuse is secondary, and the underlying problem is a serious mental disorder? Don't look for that insight at an Al-anon meeting - or in Al-anon literature, but it's true.

The fact is that many alcoholics suffer from personality disorders - serious mental disorders that cause them to perceive and react to events and people in ways that don't make sense to healthy people. While there are ten personality disorders defined in the US diagnostic system, three disorders consistently show up in people who tend to be abusive to others - and these same people often abuse alcohol and/or drugs. Those disorders are borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, and sociopathy (or antisocial personality disorder.)

People who suffer from these disorders have intense, unreasonable fears that are triggered by small events. They react with brutal rage and controlling outbursts. In some cases the fears are overwhelming, and they can sink into despondence and despair, and even become suicidal. They can be brutal and dominating at one time; beg you not to leave them at another; and even deny that you exist at other times. Because their minds are disordered, these actions and feelings make no sense to healthy people, and it can be crushing and brutal to experience from someone you love.

Overcome the Love locking you in

Many of us ended up in unhealthy relationships because, in the beginning, our partners held up a false front. Many of us felt or thought that we had met our soul mate; found the perfect partner; met that one special person in the universe. It's no surprise that we can fall in love with someone like this!

Later, usually after we've made a binding commitment like marriage, or sometimes after the relationship changes due to children being born, a job change, or other major life changes, our partner shows a completely different side. The person who was once perfect now can become angry, demeaning, demanding, and harshly critical. When alcohol or drugs are involved, the substance abuse usually takes a big step up, too. I talk about this dynamic in my book on disordered behavior, Meaning from Madness. From someone we have deep feelings for, these actions are brutal. Yet we may still have strong feelings of love pulling us to that person. Talk about being torn!

At some point, many of us realize this situation needs to change, but feelings are not chosen. How can you overcome the love that pulls you to someone who is abusing you?

While you can't turn those feelings off like a switch, you can learn to understand where those feelings come from, and how our minds create them, and then set the stage for new feelings to develop - hopefully toward someone who's better for us. At first this issue was a chapter in my book, Tears and Healing, but it was so important it eventually became its own short book, In Love and Loving It - Or Not! The really sad part is that our minds create these feelings so that we'll be motivated to engage in a relationship that meets our emotional needs, yet those same feelings can end up locking us in, pulling back again into a broken relationship that just can't fill those needs! Its like a trap, one that we need new understanding to get out of.

Deal with the abuse

Dealing with this situation is complex, and people need some idea of "What do I do now that I know this?" For most people, there are important values, beliefs and obligations that have to be carefully thought about. Abusive relationships are very hurtful situations, and significant decisions have to be faced, then resolved. Tears & Healing holds a light up in this dark place. Written from the inside perspective of someone who has been through the hell of being emotionally and verbally battered by a spouse, this book addresses the major issues that we all must wrestle with.

Tears & Healing begins with the most difficult issue: abusive partners constantly work to distort our perception of what is happening and what is right and wrong, until we doubt our own judgment so much we can't make decisions. It then addresses the process of detaching to find safe space and to regain a sense of right and wrong, and searching to understand what we, as people, need in our lives - needs that often must be simply put aside to survive in these brutal situations. It deals with love, and the conflict of being in love with someone hurtful to us. And it addresses the intense feelings of obligation that many of us have, which keep us locked in situations that are beyond what any person should endure. Tears & Healing is an intensely personal and validating guide through this maze of thoughts and emotions. The reader reviews below can give you some sense of how liberating Tears & Healing has been for many, many people.

As I said already, dealing with feelings of love is a huge barrier for many. My book, In Love and Loving It - Or Not! , addresses these issues. It explains how and why we fall in love; what we can do to get out of love with someone hurtful to us; how we can make choices so we are more likely to fall in love with someone good for us; and how being in love relates to the different, chosen actions of loving. Many of the people I help to deal with their abusive situations need this kind of guidance.

After talking personally with many people in phone consultation, I found that people also need a way of making some sense of their abusive partner's actions. Though their actions make no sense from the perspective of a healthy person, there is something inside them that motivates them. After explaining this many times, I wrote a companion book, Meaning from Madness, which explains what makes abusive people act as they do, explains the psychological defense mechanisms they use which cause them to see a different reality than we see, and explains how alcohol and drug use - so painfully common among them - compounds these disordered patterns. I consider Meaning from Madness to be the second essential piece of this puzzle.

Why do they do it?
Meaning from Madness
(paperback)

Understanding the Hidden Patterns that Motivate Abusers: Borderlines, Narcissists, and Sociopaths

Richard, 21CP is a writer, inventor, engineer, and athlete. A survivor of a marriage that turned abusive, he forged a path through confusion, love, obligation, and emotional damage to safety and truer life. His experience and insight, shared in Tears and Healing, originated in his contributions to online support groups for people in relationships with a partner who has borderline personality disorder. He has been a respected contributor and mentor in these groups for the past four years. His writing and publishing work now includes four books, and he continues to help people through books, daily email messages, and phone consultation. Not a mental health professional, his perspectives and guidance "from the inside out" have been especially relevant for people in abusive relationships.

Tears and Healing: Healing journey from abusive relationships

[Cheba_Mami]

By: Claire Arene, MSW, LCSW

Are you in an unhealthy relationship? How do you know the signs of an unhealthy relationship? How do you get from the point of wondering what to do - self pity, or sheer devastation - to actually taking the necessary steps to get yourself back to an emotionally healthy state?

This article discusses the long term impact of negative relationships, how to recognize the symptoms, and how to obtain the help you need to break free from a harmful association when that is the best course of action. I do fully recognize that some times a better course of action is changing the dynamics of the interaction within a relationship to achieve the desired level of stability and compatibility. This can be achieved through commitment to therapeutic work on the part of either/or all of the parties involved.

Do any of the following situations strike a chord or bring back memories? That back-stabbing treacherous childhood girlfriend to whom you continue to cling because you have this subconscious desire to stay in touch with the happier times of your youth, or worse still, that lying cheating husband that has kept you from achieving your lifetime goals. Or your colleague at work who conveniently accepts your help when in need, but has no qualms about using you as a pawn in the chess game of corporate life. Or what about that parent who may have neglected or even abused you as a child, but is in complete denial and expresses great surprise about your estranged relationship. All of these types of relationships require that you make a decision. Are you going to work on changing the dynamics of the relationship with the hope of making it better, or are you going to move on?

Some of the serious long-term effects of remaining in a dysfunctional relationship include the gradual but steady erosion of your sense of self-worth. Suddenly, you wake up one morning to find that the only identity you have is that which you have gained from your abuser. You see yourself through their eyes – often it can take years of therapy to undo the damage that has been done to the ego. It is not unusual to find individuals with serious personality disorders as a result of the insidious effect of unhealthy long-term associations.

Another important effect is the negative impact on your ability to accept the love of other well meaning persons with whom you are in relationship. You become suspicious of the sincerity of those with whom you relate. This is a sure guarantee to undermining all future chances for happiness. This progression occurs because as a passive participant in an unhealthy association you have come to accept and integrate the identity, conditional love, or outright rejection you receive from the negative other person. You subconsciously expect the same treatment from others. As a result, you struggle with integrating a new identity of loving and being worthy of love and acceptance. The longer an unhealthy relationship continues, the more damaging it is, and the more difficult it is to engage in a healthy one in which there is genuine love and acceptance.

What symptoms do you look for when assessing the health of your relationships?

Are you afraid of your spouse or significant other?

Do you feel controlled or unable to express your true feelings and thoughts?

Do you breathe a sigh of relief or suddenly feel much happier when this person leaves the room?

Are you really unhappy in this relationship, but continue to hang in there because you are afraid of being alone, or because you lack an adequate support system?

Does this person make you feel small, inadequate, or frequently belittle you in word and deed?

Are there unresolved hurts that creep into your daily arguments on an on-going basis?

If you answered yes a few times, then there’s your answer. These are symptoms indicating you're at a crossroad in your relationship and you need to make a decision about your continued involvement. It might be time to evaluate the benefits of your continued involvement versus the potential long-term effects on your psyche. We all have a responsibility to safeguard our emotional and mental wellbeing in pretty much the same way we safeguard our physical health. No one else will ever undertake that task for us.

What now? If you just realized that your relationship is unhealthy, there are two ways to respond:

There's the immediate decision to end your association with your abusive other. This might work if you have had a chance to plan your course of action and you have adequate means and support to carry out your plan. Your decision should also depend on the severity of the situation with which you are faced. I never recommend action for the sake of drama. You may likely need some supportive therapy or counseling as you take this bold step, your therapist or counselor should help you filter through your options, goals, and underlying motives for making this decision. Be sure to resolve any guilt and be very clear that this is the only course of action to take.

As an alternative to any drastic or sudden moves, I recommend what is in some situations a more healthy and sustainable course of action which is to decide this moment to appreciate, recognize, and reward the strengths you know you have. Assert those strengths and use them daily, gently, in your relationships. In this course of action, there is the opportunity to salvage relationships that can be salvaged. Too often we let other people relate to us on the basis of our weaknesses, faults and everything by which we judge and condemn ourselves and they come to know no other way of relating to us. It will take some relearning and reconditioning to achieve this change of relating to others through our strengths, especially if the negative relationship has been long term. Therapy and counseling; particularly using a motivational interviewing style, would be a good place to start relearning the skills necessary to achieve this goal. Again, this choice should be determined by the severity of your situation. In some circumstances ending the relationship may be the only way to go.

Finally, most people have at one point in time or another experienced an unhealthy relationship. It is what we decide to do that determines whether we continue to be dissatisfied in our associations or whether we attain a satisfactory level of stability and compatibility. It is normal and advisable to seek professional help as you struggle through what to do with a difficult relationship, especially if it has existed for a long period of time.

Claire Arene, MSW, LCSW