Real men do not violate or oppress women

[Al-khiyal]

The legacy of domestic violence

November 27, 2009 -- My father was, in many ways, a man of discipline, organisation and charisma - a regimental sergeant major no less. One of the very last men to be evacuated from Dunkirk, his third stripe was chalked on to his uniform by an officer when no more senior NCOs were left alive. Parachuted into Crete and Italy, both times under fire, he fought at Monte Casino and was twice mentioned in dispatches. A fellow soldier once told me, "When your father marches on to the parade ground, the birds in the trees stop singing."

In civilian life it was a different story. He was an angry, unhappy and frustrated man who was not able to control his emotions or his hands. As a child I witnessed his repeated violence against my mother, and the terror and misery he caused was such that, if I felt I could have succeeded, I would have killed him. If my mother had attempted it, I would have held him down. For those who struggle to comprehend these feelings in a child, imagine living in an environment of emotional unpredictability, danger and humiliation week after week, year after year, from the age of seven. My childish instinct was to protect my mother, but the man hurting her was my father, whom I respected, admired and feared.

From Monday morning to Friday tea time he worked as a semi-skilled labourer, and was diligent and sober. Often funny and charming, he was always rich in the personal stories of warfare and adventure that thrilled me. But come Friday night, after the pubs closed, we awaited his return with trepidation. I would be in bed but not asleep. I could never sleep until he did; while he was awake we were all at risk. Instead, I would listen for his voice, singing, as he walked home. Certain songs were reassuring: 'I'll take you home again, Kathleen'; 'I'll walk beside you' . . . But army songs were not a good sign. And worst of all was silence. When I could only hear footsteps it was the signal to be super-alert.

Our house was small, and when you grow up with domestic violence in a confined space you learn to gauge, very precisely, the temperature of situations. I knew exactly when the shouting was done and a hand was about to be raised – I also knew exactly when to insert a small body between the fist and her face, a skill no child should ever have to learn. Curiously, I never felt fear for myself and he never struck me, an odd moral imposition that would not allow him to strike a child. The situation was barely tolerable: I witnessed terrible things, which I knew were wrong, but there was nowhere to go for help. Worse, there were those who condoned the abuse. I heard police or ambulancemen, standing in our house, say, "She must have provoked him," or, "Mrs Stewart, it takes two to make a fight." They had no idea. The truth is my mother did nothing to deserve the violence she endured. She did not provoke my father, and even if she had, violence is an unacceptable way of dealing with conflict. Violence is a choice a man makes and he alone is responsible for it.

No one came to help. No adult stepped in and took charge. I needed someone else to take over and tell me everything was going to be all right and that it wasn't my fault. I wanted the anger to go away and, while it stayed, I felt responsible. The sense of guilt and loneliness provoked by domestic violence is tainting – and lasting. No one came, but everyone knew. Our small houses were close together. Every Monday morning I walked to school with my head down, praying that I would not encounter a neighbour or school friend who had heard the weekend's rows. I felt ashamed.

Very occasionally one person would come to our aid – Mrs Dixon, our next-door neighbour, the only person who would stand up to my father. She would throw open the door and stand before him, bosom bursting and her mighty weaver's forearm raised in his face. "Come on, Alf Stewart," she would say, "have a go at me." He never did. He calmed down and went to bed. Now I wish I could take Lizzie Dixon's big hand in mine and thank her.

Such experiences are destructive. In my adult life I have struggled to overcome the bad lessons of my father's behaviour, this corrosive example of male irresponsibility. But the most oppressive aspect of these experiences was the loneliness. Very recently, during a falling-out with my girlfriend, I felt again as though I were shut out and alone, not heard or understood. I was neither, but it was such a familiar isolation that it was almost a comfort and consolation.

I managed to find my own refuge in acting. The stage was a far safer place for me than anything I had to live through at home – it offered escape. I could be someone else, in another place, in another time. However, whenever the role called for anger, fury, or the expression of murderous impulses, I was always afraid of what I might unleash if I surrendered myself to those feelings. It was not until 1981, when the director Ronald Eyre asked me to play the psychotic Leontes in The Winter's Tale, that the breakthrough came. He quietly told me that the play would only work if I gave myself over, completely and totally, to the delusions, madness and murderousness of this man. "If you do that," Ron said, "I will be at your side. I will be available to you 24 hours a day." From that time forward I was never again afraid of my feelings on stage.

The truth is that domestic violence touches many of us. It is very possible that someone you know – a friend, sister, daughter or colleague – is experiencing abuse. One in four women will experience domestic violence at some point in her lifetime. And every week two women are killed by a current or former partner in England and Wales, and 10 women take their own lives as the only way they know how to escape a violent partner. You are almost certainly paying for it. Domestic violence costs around £26 billion a year in medical, legal and housing costs.

This violence is not a private matter. Behind closed doors it is shielded and hidden and it only intensifies. It is protected by silence – everyone's silence. Which is why, in 2007, I became patron of Refuge, the national domestic violence charity. Every day the organisation supports more than 1,000 women and children through its national network of refuges and services. At Refuge, women and children are given psychological support to help them overcome the trauma of abuse. A team of independent legal advocates are on hand to protect women at high risk of violence through the legal process.

Thanks to Refuge's tireless campaigning, attitudes have changed. Police tactics have improved and most men are no longer able to get away with beating women. Yet the statistics still make for grim reading. More than two thirds of the residents in Refuge's network of refuges are children. I cannot express how sad – and angry – it makes me to think that we still cannot ensure the safety of women and children in their own homes. Most people find the idea of violence against women – and sometimes, though rarely, against men - abhorrent, but do nothing to challenge it. More women and children, just like my mother and me, will continue to experience domestic violence unless we all speak out against it. You can do this by supporting Refuge's latest campaign, Four ways to speak out.

[Al-khiyal]

Atelier de travail interrégional pour l’échange d’expériences
dans le domaine de l’élimination de la violence à l’égard de la femme arabe

Lundi 7 Décembre 2009 -- Les travaux de l’atelier de travail interrégional «pour l’échange d’expériences dans le domaine de l’élimination de la violence à l’égard de la femme arabe» ont démarré, dimanche matin à Gammarth (banlieue nord de Tunis) sous le haut patronage de Mme Leila Ben Ali, épouse du président de la République et présidente de l’Organisation de la femme arabe (OFA). Organisé du 6 au 8 décembre 2009 à l’initiative de l’OFA avec le concours du ministère des Affaires de la femme, de la famille, de l’enfance et des personnes âgées , cet atelier, auquel prennent part des représentants des organisations gouvernementales et des structures de la société civile de plusieurs pays arabes, se propose d’élaborer une stratégie arabe de prévention des comportements violents dans la famille et la société. Mme Sarra Kanoun Jarraya, ministre des Affaires de la femme, de la famille, de l’enfance et des personnes âgées a souligné l’importance que la Tunisie accorde à l’unification des efforts arabes afin de protéger la femme de la violence et d’améliorer sa situation dans le cadre d’une approche cohérente des droits de l’homme en parfaite adéquation avec les différents documents et conventions internationaux conclus dans ce domaine. Elle a rappelé le contenu du message adressé par Mme Leila Ben Ali aux premières dames des Etats arabes membres de l’OFA, à l’occasion de la Journée mondiale pour l’élimination de la violence contre la femme, mettant en exergue le contenu de ce message qui présente une vision claire du phénomène de la violence contre la femme et souligne la nécessité civilisationnelle, sociale et morale d’endiguer ce phénomène.

La ministre a fait savoir que la violence est non seulement d’ordre physique mais peut prendre d’autres formes de violence déguisée à l’instar de la privation de la femme de ses droits à l’enseignement et à la participation à la vie publique dans ses divers domaines économiques, sociaux et politiques. La Tunisie a élaboré une approche préventive reposant sur la prospection scientifique et précise des mutations que la société connait et sa protection de tous les dangers, notamment la violence reposant sur le genre social. En effet, a expliqué la ministre, le chef de l’Etat a institué une stratégie nationale de prévention des comportements violents dans la famille et la société et mis à contribution les structures gouvernementales, les organisations, associations et composantes de la société civile dans l’élaboration, la mise en œuvre et le suivi de cette stratégie. Mme Kamoun Jarraya a également passé en revue les différents points du programme national mis en place afin de diffuser la culture des droits de la femme et de la famille et évoqué le plan national de préparation des jeunes à la vie conjugale, la stratégie de diffusion de la culture des droits de l’enfant et de celle de la non violence. En effet, a-t-elle dit, le changement des mentalités et l’éducation sur les principes et fondements humains est un acte culturel, social, éducatif et informationnel ayant lieu dans le cadre de l’édification d’une stratégie pour le futur.

Dans son allocution Mme Wadouda Badrane, directrice générale de l’OAF, a adressé ses sentiments de profonde considération à Mme Leila Ben Ali, présidente de l’Organisation, pour son souci d’apporter le soutien nécessaire à la bonne organisation des activités de l’OAF. Elle a souligné que la lutte contre le phénomène de la violence nécessite l’organisation de plusieurs actions alliant les dimensions de sensibilisation, de recherche, de formation et de services, ajoutant que l’objectif de cet atelier est de parvenir à déterminer les mesures communes à prendre pour endiguer le phénomène de la violence, outre la mise à profit des diverses expériences arabes en la matière. Elle s’est déclarée satisfaite de la forte présence, à cet atelier, de représentants des mécanismes nationaux officiels ainsi que d’autres appartenant aux institutions de la société civile, ce qui est de nature à renforcer les chances de succès pour la mise en place d’une stratégie d’action claire à mettre en œuvre dans l’intérêt de la femme arabe. Au programme des travaux de cet atelier la discussion de plusieurs thèmes relatifs aux droits de la femme et les cadres juridiques et internationaux pour sa protection, ainsi que les fondements de la protection de la femme arabe et le cadre général de la stratégie interrégionale de protection de la femme arabe contre la violence.

[Al-khiyal]

Workshop on violence against women held in Tunisia

December 7, 2009 -- The Arab Women Organisation on Sunday (December 6th) launched a three-day workshop in Tunisia aimed at eradicating violence against women, TAP reported. The Gammarth event is attended by women from 16 Arab countries.

[Cheba_Mami]

Great topic, men do read this and question yourself whether you're ever a real man....

[Al-khiyal]

Rights activists draft strategy to stop violence against Arab women

December 11, 2009 -- Women's rights activists this week drafted a strategy to prevent violence against women in the Arab world that promotes legislative and awareness-raising campaigns, training, and wider dissemination of data and research. The strategy was drawn up by participants in a Tunis workshop aimed at sharing experiences in the field of fighting violence against Arab women. The three-day event kicked off on December 6th and was organised by the Arab Women Organization (AWO). "The strategy ... stress[es] the need to protect women from violence and to prevent it through laws, legislation, awareness, training, dissemination of the women's rights culture, the culture of non-violence, and provision of national data, research and statistics on the phenomenon," AWO member and secretary-general of Jordan's National Council for Family Affairs, Haifa Abu Ghazala, said on Tuesday at the event.

Participants examined a range of themes and ways to prevent violence against Arab women. They also shared experiences and experiments in the field of strategies, policies, programmes and methods of intervention on the national level. Experts at the event said that Arab women suffer from four forms of violence: domestic violence, community violence, institutional violence and violence in armed conflicts. According to AWO Secretary-General Waduda Badran, the forms of violence against women in Arab countries "differ according to environments, regions, social classes, and cultural and age categories. As a result, the confrontation mechanisms also vary." Badran added that the Arab world's current situation "requires ... comprehensive strategies that include short, medium and long-term measures based on an in-depth and comprehensive vision of the nature of societies and nature of women's standing therein".

For her part, the head of Morocco's Department of Women, Family and Children's Affairs, Saida Idrissi, said that Tunisia's presidency of the AWO would "give renewed momentum to joint Arab action through supporting and activating the commitments of Arab countries, foremost among which is the drafting of an Arab strategy for combating violence against women". "The main aim of this workshop is to share experiences and experiments, and to draft a unified Arab strategy with guidance from several successful experiences, such as those of Tunisia and Morocco, especially in the field of activating women's participation in public and political life," added Idrissi.

At the close of the workshop, participants issued a statement urging AWO "member states to issue periodic national reports on the reality of violence against women, and to draft an Arab pilot law in the field of protecting women from violence".

Hajeera Ait Ahmed, a women's affairs official in Algeria, said in a speech during the workshop that her country in 1979 "ratified the UN Convention on the Elimination of All Forms of Discrimination against Women, which constituted a main reference point for reviewing some laws, especially the Family Law, Nationality Law, Prisons Organization and Social Re-Integration of Prisoners Law, Health Protection and Promotion Law, and the Labour and Social Security Law". Ahmed said the review also prompted a 2008 constitutional amendment that encourages women's political participation through a quota system for representation.

"Civil society has to communicate with all women, without any discrimination, because this shouldn't be restricted to the salons of intellectuals," the head of the Egyptian Centre for Women's Rights, Nehad Abul Qumsan, said in a statement to Magharebia. "They have to go to female workers and farmers." Mohammed Zuabi, director of the Family Protection Department in Jordan, said the workshop "shows each country how advanced it is in the field of fighting violence against women, as compared to other countries".