Women told to stop looking for Mr Right

[Al-khiyal]

Women told to stop looking for Mr Right

January 24, 2010 -- Women looking for a Mr Right should give up after 30 and settle for a Mr *Second Best or a Mr Right Now. Lori Gottlieb, author of Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr Good Enough, which is published in the UK next week, believes women who refuse to commit unless they find a man with whom they feel a deep, romantic love are consigning themselves to a lonely future. "The theme of holding out for true love (whatever that is – look at the divorce rate) permeates our collective mentality," writes Gottlieb, a 40-year-old single mother who now admits she wishes she had "settled" for any of the "perfectly acceptable but uninspiring" men she rejected during her search for the perfect man. "My dream, like that of my mother and her mother, was to fall in love, get married and live happily ever after. Of course, women are loth to admit it in this day and age, but ask any soul-baring 40-year-old single heterosexual woman what she most longs for in life, and she probably won't tell you it's a better career or a smaller waistline or a bigger apartment. Most likely, she'll say that what she really wants is a husband (and, by extension, a child)," she writes.

Gottlieb's book is based on an article she wrote in 2008 for the Atlantic magazine. The piece created such a sensation that it was picked up by Oprah Winfrey's O magazine and polarised readers. The debate caught the attention of Warner Independent and Tobey Maguire's Maguire Entertainment, which bought the book and film rights. Maguire intends to produce the film himself. Gottlieb blames feminism for the number of women who find themselves alone after spending years holding out for their white knight. To the outside world, says Gottlieb, these women still insist they are self-sufficient. "But in reality, we aren't fish who can do without a bicycle; we're women who want a traditional family," she writes. "Every woman I know – no matter how successful and ambitious, how financially and emotionally secure – feels panic, occasionally coupled with desperation, if she hits 30 and finds herself unmarried."

It is not just feminism that has betrayed women by telling them they could have it all, said Gottlieb: every book, film and television show that perpetuates the myth of combining romantic love with a happy-ever-after ending – from Jane Austen to Friends – has done women a great and dangerous disservice. "We're conditioned to crave that Big Love. It's painful how pervasive the fantasy is that The One is out there," she said. "We grew up idealising marriage, but if we'd had a more realistic understanding of its cold, hard benefits, we might have done things differently. So we walked away from uninspiring relationships that might have made us happy." She even claims that settling for Mr Second Best could make women happier in the long run. "When we're holding out for romantic love, we have the fantasy that this level of passionate intensity will make us happier," she writes. "But marry*ing Mr Good Enough might be equally viable, especially if you're looking for a reliable life companion. What makes for a good marriage isn't necessarily what makes for a good romantic relationship. Marriage isn't a passion-fest; it's a partnership formed to run a very small, mundane and often boring non-profit business. And I mean this in a good way."

But fellow author Elizabeth Gilbert believes that women are wrong to believe marriage will make them happy. In her new book, Committed: A Sceptic makes peace with Marriage, she writes: "We marry most often because we are in love and we think it will make us happy. Yet married women are more likely to suffer from depression than are single women. Married women are not as successful in their careers as single women." She adds: "The fact is women generally lose in the exchange of vows."

[julie]

They also talked about this on this morning show personally i think some times women can take there career as a very important thing and this leads to them concentrating on that more so than marriage i married young and in my life i always wanted to be married there is so much importance put on love these days such looks,money,status, when you bring all these things in to the equation is it really love that people look for or a idea of the perfect match. i am not saying dont look for these things but some times if someone has a good heart and a caring nature but doesn't have the looks or the status we shouldn't just rule them out completely but this is just my opinion

[Aayesha]

LIfe is about balance. Rather than settleing for Mr Second best which is so negative and demeaning. Maybe we women should just re assess our proirities. A women will marry when Allah has destined and for some women it may be after a career. Not all women put marrige on hold because of careers, it just works out that way. Equally marrying young is not necessarily the solution. BALANCE. BALANCE and more BALANCE.

[Tipaza]

We can have both (Love and Career) ... no need to feel guilty for anything.

I think there is no Mr Right ... A Mr Right exists only if / because a Mrs Right exists.
Some people will never meet any of the above because they are deprived of the "emotional capital" that could help them find someone suitable for them.

[Tipaza in the mood for Love ]

[Aayesha]

So true. Well said Tipaza.

[New_Friend]

Personally, I've never believed in "Mr. Right." I believe there are a handful who could become my "Mr. Right" through processes of time, truth and tenderness.

Here's the headline, though, that I'm still waiting to see: "Men Told to Start Looking for Ms. Right" (As in, come on guys, it's time to get your butts in gear and be old fashioned gentlemen and ASK women out on old fashioned dates again....seven simple words: "Would you like to go out sometime?")

What a warmer, more wonderful world we would have again!

[Tipaza]

Personally, I've never believed in "Mr. Right." I believe there are a handful who could become my "Mr. Right" through processes of time, truth and tenderness.

Here's the headline, though, that I'm still waiting to see: "Men Told to Start Looking for Ms. Right" (As in, come on guys, it's time to get your butts in gear and be old fashioned gentlemen and ASK women out on old fashioned dates again....seven simple words: "Would you like to go out sometime?")

What a warmer, more wonderful world we would have again!

NO THANK YOU.

NewFriend, could you imagine yourself at your parents' home expecting a nice guy to come over and ask you out ??? BUT THAT'S THE CASTING STARTING AGAIN but only on the men's part, this time.

I'd rather have more balanced powers between genders there ... where men and women can choose EACH OTHER.