Marriage issues

[Mich]

Hello everyone,

Thank you all for such an informative forum. I am an English Christian woman, although believing in God, would not call myself a practicing Christian by attending Church. I am seeing an Algerian man who i would like to spend my future with. We both live in England. My issue is that i would like us to live together for a while before marriage to see if we are compatible. I'm not quite clear if Islam forbids this - i understand that sex before marriage would be forbidden and that is fine by me - but would we still be able to live together before marriage? I would like to be more informed before discussing the subject with him and do not want to offend by asking him to do something which might be haram.

Thank you all for any advice.
Mich

[Yas]

Hi Mich

Yes, i think from an Islamic perspective living together before marriage would be haram. There isn't really a concept of dating etc.

I'm Australian/Irish and my husband is Algerian. We've been married for 3 years now and have known each other for nearly 4 years.

From my experience i would say the best way forward is just to speak to him about the issue and get his thoughts.

Its definitely worth having an open conversation about how he sees your future, what you expect from each other when you're married etc. I would be really specific and talk about everything from cooking and cleaning, to kids, working, finances...everything really.
Although Algerian men aren't always the best communicators (LOL) these discussions are actually encouraged from an Islamic perspective.
You can learn loads about a person from these kinds of conversations.
If you read about marriage from an Islamic point of view it's very sensible and practical.
If he's religious it might be useful to have someone from his mosque involved in these discussions. Im assuming that if you go get married he would want an Islamic wedding? I found that involving an Imam before our wedding i was made aware of the various rights and duties that we each have. It was incredibly useful for me so i'd encourage you to do that if you can.

My husband and I did live together for a few months before we were married. I relocated to the UK from Australia so it was partly for practical reasons. In hindsight, i think it would have been better for us not to live together. Although things worked out well for us those few months didnt really make much of a difference in terms of getting to know each other.

If you're in London there's an excellent Islamic bookstore and marriage centre near Baker Street. The Sheikh there is fantastic and gives excellent advice. There's also an English sister that works there - her husband is Egyptian and they've been married for 20 years. She's lovely to talk to as well.

[Mich]

Hi Yas,

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply with your advice. This has been a big help to me. I know i really need to have this conversation with him. It's kind of difficult, because the English mentality is not to approach the subject of marriage etc too soon, so we don't scare them off LOL. That doesn't work with a muslim man, because obviously we should not live together or 'date' as such in the Western sense of the word.

The other problem is that he really doesn't like talking about deep issues. I'm not taking it personally. After reading many posts in this forum, it does appear to be an Algerian trait of not being able to communicate emotions that well.

Thanks for the advice on the bookstore in Baker Street. I live in London, so can check that out. If we do marry, then i know it will be an Islamic wedding, so i need to research as much as possible - for me and also to inform my family.

[Yas]

Lol you're right - our mentality is to hold off on the marriage conversation but that totally doesn't work with Muslim men.

I think in general Algerian guys aren't comfortable with talking about their emotions, so no don't take it personally. It can be frustrating but i'm sure you'll get there eventually. My husband always says he used to be shy about expressing his feelings so it took a bit of getting used to. He doesn't have that problem anymore :P

Although these conversations aren't the norm for us, it really is common Islamically and so he should be ok with getting into the details of everything and discussing how he feels. It might take some time for him and he's said that he wants to marry you so that's a good place to start.

I found it really useful to spend time with the staff at Baker Street, that really helped me understand the process and feel much more comfortable on the day.

In my experience being married to an Algerian man has been amazing. It hasn't always been easy and we've had our share of miscommunications but overall it's been a really positive experience for me and I definitely don't regret it.

Have you had a chance to meet or talk to his family yet? If not I would definitely suggest you talk to him about visiting them, or talking to them on the phone so you can start to get to know them. For me it was really important to develop a relationship with his family - cos you don't just marry the man right? Luckily for me my husband's family are amazing and we have an excellent relationship. He's one of 14 brothers and sisters so there's a lot of people to get to know. Having a good relationship with his mum is pretty important in my experience. Don't underestimate that :P

Good luck with everything - i'm praying that it all goes well for you