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Mixed relationships - Algerian and English!

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  • #61
    To New-friend

    Sorry to hear about your bad experience - must have hurt you deeply to take 3 years to recover from.

    As you must realise not all apples from the same basket are bad-this much I believed after I was forced to leave my first husband(English) after domestic abuse,though it didn't take 3 years so much as 3 seconds to get over him after I left!!

    My Algerian husband is everything my first husband was not and more but there are good and bad everywhere. I hope you find someone worthy of you in the future.

    Take care
    Tracey

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    • #62
      I agree


      I agree with tracy. not all men are the same and it has nothing to with where they come from.
      I wasmarried to an english man for 11 years he was not voilent but his way mental cruelity which i put up for years
      Then one day i stoodup for myself and that was the day he turned really nasty and the 1st time and only time he beat me. That opened my eyes and i left him!! Since then my life has been so much better.
      I met my new husband (algerian) After 3 years. He is so different from my 1st. he encourages me never puts me down
      I married him after 2years of meeting him and i've never been happier.
      yes there are some men who are not good but that happens all over the world. There are good men out there!!

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      • #63
        Re: Algerian men married to English women

        Originally posted by Maktub
        Hello,

        I have just joined after searching the internet to find other people (English women) who are married to Algerian men. I have been married to my husband for almost a year and am finding some issues (culturally/religion) very difficult noteably me wanting to keep an active social life including "partying" while my husband makes it very hard for me to even see my friends, e.g. he gets very moody and makes me feel guilty for going out to see my friends even when I invite him along. Obviously this may not be a cultural/religious issue but I know (as I am married to him) that this is the case. He hates me drinking alcohol and claims this is the only issue he has with me that clouds our otherwise 'perfect marriage'. My issue is that his behaviour is clipping my wings and stealing my freedom. I was a 'party' girl when I met him and he fell in love with me, I warned him a 1000x times that marriage was not going to change me (alhtough I did stop almost totally) yet he seems to use his religion/culture to make me feel disapproved of. I don't know maybe this is normal but I have a strong gut feeling that my being English and worldly versus his unworldlyness and Algerian mindset is stopping him understand that me going out with my friends does not mean I can't be trusted or disrespectful towards him. Has anyone else had similar problems?

        Thanks.

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        • #64
          I love Algerian men.....

          I love Algerian men, they have a certain air...that just turn me on........

          I am a latin gir that dated one Algerian cutie here in the US....at the beginning everything is wonderful, we partied all the time, we hanged out with friends...whatever I wore it was fine with him.....eventually things started turning sour, if he wanted to find an excuse to fight he will point out how much I love to go dancing or the type of clothes that I did wear....he will use religion as a source to put me down...to the point of telling me that he would only married a virgin......I couldnt take that anymore..I simply moved on...continue with my studies, and relocating to a different city.....last thing I hear he had gotten married to another girl that had a kid already, and was facing deportation charges.......

          Currently I continue with my arabic classes and I am taking an Islam class in the university to learn in more depth what does imply to be Muslim as a religion and in culture......I don't know if I eventually will fall in love again with an Algerian or Muslim person ( I am dating a hispanic guy like me at the moment)...but I do think is important to learn about your partner's culture, and that he does the same to learn yours.....and be very firm on your beliefs, otherwise be prepared for a battle........

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          • #65
            Dear Yenni,

            Greetings to you! Sorry to hear about your bad experience, but it sounds as if you did not let it deter you from having another go...The things we learn from these relationships can be just as important as anything else! Good luck!!!

            Just curious. Are you taking Arabic on line or on your own through books and tapes or what?

            Take care,

            Addison

            " Every woman should marry.
            And no man. "
            Disraeli

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            • #66
              Addison.....

              Yeah the relationship sucked........I guess it got to the point that I no longer cared for him as boyfriend........I just found him very hypocritical....in certain issues (like the virgin stuff).......yeah....life does go on......I made an effort to learn stuff about Algeria, before him, I already had a liking for Algerian RAi music (he even borrow some of my cds and never returned them)...........he was just......lets say a peculiar character......like I said if an Algerian guy (or muslim boy for that mattter) wants to date me......he is gonna put up with the fact that I won't convert, but I will respect his religion.....after all they all come from the same Abrahamic line....


              and yeah also, that I can't cook, I have a sort of kitchenfobia.........

              About the arabic, I am taking as a credit class in the University part of my Major in Anthropology and Religious studies...my professor is from Egypt....he is teaching us Modern Standard Arabic.....in addition to some colloquial egyptian dialogues.....I had travelled to the Middle East before, and I may go next summer to Egypt to learn more Arabic and from there cross the North African Countries....I am a little scare of Lybia.......I figure Algeria must be like my native Colombia.....but who knows I may ended up going the other way back to Palestina, Israel and Jordan, lets see if happens, Inshallah...

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              • #67
                Dear Yenni,

                One of the hardest prejudices for me to deal with is my own tendency to assume that all in general are like one in particular. To this day I still have to consciously say to myself, " Don't make that mistake. Don't go there. " It is a human nature thing, I think,...But we need to choose to do the right thing. You got a bad apple, and you recognize that and that is a good thing. There is always what is left in the rest of the tree!

                I have always found it interesting that Christians, Jews and Muslims all recognize Abraham as a focal point in their religions, but then branch off dramatically from that poitnt on. There are so many techincalities in religions, it is no wonder that more and more people
                abandon the idea of "Organized Religion, " which in itself seems, at best, to be an oxymoron.

                But I digress.

                Can't cook? You are young yet. Cooking is great fun, and a great stress reliever, and can be an erotic adventure as well, as it invloves so many senses from start to finish. Don't dismiss the idea of giving it another shot. The more you dabble, the less you will fear! And mistakes are all a part of the fun.

                Egyptian Arabic is slightly different in stlye is it not? Kind of like our dialects from state to state, I would imagine ( I am from the US. ) Still, it is good that you learn in a Uni. Personally, I wish I had a tutor, as there is nothing quite like being able to practice with a real person!!!Good luck with that too!

                Your summer trek sounds marvelous! Keep us posted on that as it will be here before you know it! Do you have friends there? Where will you stay? Will you go alone or with a group or...Your Arabic will be very good by then ( conversational at least! ) and you will really be able to get in with people. Sounds fabulous! Gosh, I am excited just thinking about such an adventure! You must be on pins and needles!

                Best regards,

                Addison

                Comment


                • #68
                  Hi Addison!

                  Yeah in matters of religion, I must say I am deeply dissapointed, yet I am not one to judge which idealogy is better or worst..I often wonder if we as humankind created God, or vice versa?...what makes one religion superior to another?....many religious leaders of the past would be considered ezchizofrenics, child molestors, zealots, homosexuals, communist etc etc by today standards....
                  I only follow the golden rule...don't do something, that you wouldn't be like to be done unto yourself or family, period...Learning about Islam has been a good positive experience, yet I won't consider certain stuff to be "God send" is just my opinion, therefore the reason for me not to convert to something I just don't believe, it will hipocrite, and why have a convert that doesn't believe in her heart, better be clear and honest, and not a liar even if that will offend some people.

                  About cooking matters....hmm I am not that young, but thanks. I suposse the kitchen never attracted me, as typically latin girl, my Mother spoiled me I never set a foot in the kitchen, once in a while I will put a Pita in the oven.....heat some water for tea, and maybe microwave some frozen dinners...lol...


                  In Arabic, I do have two conversational partners, one girl, and one boy, both from Kuwait, they are great, plus they cook delicious!
                  I also listen a great deal to Arabic Music, I just can't wait for the day to understand one of Oum Koulthun lyrics!

                  Comment


                  • #69
                    Dear Yenni,

                    Greetings!

                    I am with you on the matter of religion. I come from a very strict and multifaceted religious background, and in the end, I suppose that I have taken bits and pieces from
                    all of them, and have developed my own way of worship. I do believe that it is more important to show people that God is in your life than it is to TELL them that he is... Savvy? I am sick to death of people who claim one thing, preach one thing, and then live their lives in a
                    completely different way. I mean it. I am fed up with that sort of nonsense. It really makes me angry. But what is one to do?

                    This is the way of things.

                    Your idea of following what is referred to as " The Golden Rule " is a very good one, and you have to imagine at some point, how different a place this world might be if everyone took even that small, simple step. BUT, in order to take that step one would have to put selfishness behind, and that is a difficult thing to do, even when one's will is set upon it. Now, not to be argumentative, but personally, I believe that God created us, though having accepted this idea does not dispel any questions that I might have about the whole process. I can see a pattern throughout antiquity of Man needing to believe in something greater than himself, thus all the Epic Heroes in Literature of all kinds...But given the belief that God created Humankind, my next question would be " why? " So that we could worship Him??? Well, that sounds a bit snotty, doesn't it? And if that is a given, why would I WANT to worship a God who created me just so that I could
                    worship Him. Cyclical, yes, but you see where I am going with this. I have so many questions, that I really try not to dwell on them too much anymore. I have gone through my rebellious period, and even though I still have many questions that I would like to have the answers to, I try to believe that above all things, God must have created us becasue He WANTED us here, and that is enough of a reason for me. As a Calvinist younster, I was taught that there are no accidents, and that everything has a purpose, though to us, for the moment, it may not seem so. Through all my transitions regarding religious instruction, I have still held on to that belief. It is the strongest belief I have after my belief in God. But I digress. And if you
                    are not a believer in God, then I hope my words do not cause you offense.

                    OK, I will buy that you are not that young, but compared to me you are, as I am 41.!!!! To you this must seem ancient! Still I would hope that you would not give up on the cooking thing, as it really can be a lot of fun.

                    It is a good thing that you have people that you can practice on. It makes all the difference - well, apart from actually going to an Arabic speaking country and just delving into the good stuff. THAT is the best way, for certain...and you will be doing this next year!!!

                    Oh I love all types of music...there is so much good stuff out there in the "world Music" category that it boggles the mind. Music and books are great weaknesses of mine...Oh my!

                    OK, I am out of here. Time for a coffee and a read...It has been a horrible day at work and I am quite ready for a bit of relaxation!!! It has been go go go for 12 hours now...!!

                    Have a good evening/day,

                    Best regards,

                    Addison

                    " This truth within thy mind rehearse,
                    That in a boundless universe
                    Is boundless better, boundless worse. "
                    Tennyson, from " The Two Voices "



                    Comment


                    • #70
                      Hello everyone...

                      This thread was so long i couldnt bring myself to read each and every post..(we all know how discussions here tend to drift!!) so apologies if im merely repeating an old answer!!!

                      Ok..english_girl, as for your question about whether mixed marriages can be successful...I will answer your question from my own personal experiences aswell as those around me.

                      I would say this definately depends on u more than it depends on him. Your boyfriend/husband may be very westernised right now...if you met him in england, it is possible he is living just as any other brit, drinking, clubbing etc etc.

                      However...most algerians (north africans in general) are renowned for their 'fun loving' nature from the ages of 18-30. The problems may begin after he reaches 30. He will start thinking about his children, their future and he will most definately have matured a great deal. Through his maturity he will realise that what he wants is basically everything that he was brought up upon..most likely a traditional home, where the mother plays a central part, islam and a 'respectable' family.

                      In my opinion, if your marriage is to stand a chance, ur either going to have to slowly adapt to his culture/religion completely or if thats not possible..learn about his background and NEVER EVER show any disrespect or opposition towards it.,i guess this all depends on ur level of tolerance and how much ur willing to comprimise.

                      Finally, dont go into this with ur eyes shut..dont fall for the mystery of an arab man. Algeria (as anywhere) has the best of the best men and the worst of the worst...however, it has these two types of people in the EXTREME!

                      Good luck with ur marriage, I wish u all the best and as with all healthy marriages the key is communication..but u just need to work extra hard at reassuring him u are not opposed to his religion/culture in any way.



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